Even though I was raised in the church, I had been so hurt by the hypocrisy I had seen there, that when I reached high school I wanted nothing to do with it.  I hung out in the “popular” crowd which led to partying and lots of boys.  Even though I always had a boyfriend, I hung tightly to my virginity – still wanting to wait until I was married as I was taught to do growing up.  All of that changed, when my on-and-off again boyfriend of 3 years told me that he had gotten another girl pregnant.  His response to my rage and sadness was “Well, you weren’t giving it to me so I had to go get it somewhere else”.  Subconsciously, that day – everything changed.  The thing that I had valued so much wasn’t important to a boy who told me he loved me.  The next year, I became a statistic, losing my virginity on prom night while tears streamed down my face.  Never again would I be rejected because a guy didn’t get what he wanted from me.  From now on, if he wanted it, he got it.  This cycle of sleeping with boyfriends and one night stands continued all through college.   Even through pregnancy scares and an STD, I found my worth in pleasing men.  I cared so much more about what they thought of me than what I thought of me.   I was sexually abused by my boyfriend for 2 years – but it soon became the ‘new normal’.  When he forced me to have sex with him on my birthday, leaving me in tears alone in the bathroom – it still didn’t hit me.  It wasn’t until I was bored one Sunday night and decided to attend a nearby church.  I met people there that were real – they had real relationships with God and real love for people.  They loved me and showed me that my worth was found in my Creator and not in the men that claimed to love me.  I feel back in love with Jesus and tried to see myself through His eyes; His perfect, treasured, loved daughter.  I don’t look for my worth in men anymore – I can’t tell you that it’s been easy to break that mindset but I can tell you that it’s been so worth it.  God is not finished with my story yet; but as a daughter of the King I’m confident that what he has in store for me is beyond anything I could dream or imagine. 

My spiral downhill started at about 5 years old from what I can remember.  I was the unexpected child.  I am a lot younger than my brother and sister.  They practically raised me until they left the home.  My parents had a bad domestic violence situation going on and drug abuse.  I did well through school but struggled emotionally.  By the time I reached high school I had semi given up.  I knew I wanted to graduate high school but somehow still getting my work done, I started staying out and going to parties.  I would go anywhere not to be home.  After I graduated, my parent’s house was raided and all of my things were destroyed.  I then moved into my boyfriend’s house with his mom (not even sure where my siblings were at the time).  That just turned into an abusive situation from the mother and people in and out of the house all the time.  I was getting my own place so I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to move with me.   We got a place together.  I ended up pregnant and had a miscarriage.  The relationship soon turned into a domestic violence situation and I was pregnant two more times and had 2 more miscarriages.  The good times were good in this relationship- and I considered myself a fighter.  I really did not even think of leaving, besides maybe for more than a couple of days at a time- until I had my first son.  It took me sometime to figure out how to leave the situation.  When I looked around I had no one there.  All my friends were gone and my family…who knows where.  I tried to get a job and could not find one anywhere.  I finally got a job as a waitress at a dance club and it was not too long before I started dancing to pay the bills.  I was able to leave the father of my son but when I did… I found out I was pregnant again.  I stopped dancing and knew that I wanted a better life for my kids, but given the back ground that I grew up in- I was not sure how I was going to go about that, besides giving them all the love I had.   I was finally recruited for a job I could tell people about and went back to school.  My teachers were so supportive, I was able to take my baby to class with me and even to work. However, I was still searching for something to give my kids.  I thought of God- and this was strange for me because I did not grow up in a Christian home and this was something that was never discussed.  Later asking my mom she said I would ask to go to church and we would sometimes on holidays.  In bringing my kids to church so they could have a good extended family, I fell in Love with Jesus and how he has saved me from all these things and more and how in following him I have been blessed and happier than I have ever been in my whole life.  My kids and I feel his love daily.

I grew up with my family going to the Lutheran Church almost every Sunday.  I heard the Bible stories and flannel board presentations of these regularly.  Later I was involved in the youth group, taught Sunday School, and went through Confirmation.  In high school I struggled a lot with identity, especially as my dad left our family when I was about 9 years old.  Until right before my senior year, I learned about God but I didn't really have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

The summer before my senior year I went to a Christian camp and it was there that I first understood the Gospel.  I prayed and asked Jesus to forgive me and to come into my heart and make me new. I started reading the Bible I was given and desiring to know Him more.

Then I went to college, and while there started living in a way I knew didn't honor God.  I got involved in the party scene and also many promiscuous relationships. The real turning point in my relationship with God was when a serious relationship I was in ended one day.  It had become an idol.

I was absolutely broken and devastated.  It was in that place Jesus met me and healed my heart and restored me.  I am assured that no matter what, He will never leave or forsake me. I am confident that nothing can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus.  It is a joy to serve Him and share His love with people!

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord."  Psalm 40:1-3

I am very blessed to have grown up in a family that loved and respected me.  Even though my parents did not know God, they were very kind, supportive and deeply cared for me.  Periodically, my parents would take us to church simply because it seemed like the right thing to do, but we never had a relationship with Jesus.
During Junior High and High School I was an "A" student, and was involved in school government and clubs.  I was an all around good kid.  However, being "good" just wasn't enough.  I didn't know the love of God, I was living for myself, making my own sinful choices that truthfully, I didn't see anything wrong with at the time.  Unfortunately, these lead me down roads of destruction and pain.  It wasn't until I was 17 that I experienced God's love and forgiveness for me and gave my heart to Him.  However, it wasn't the fairly tale ending of "We lived happily ever after."  No, I am a work in progress.  Even as I was learning about God and growing in Him, there was a lot of work that needed to happen in my life.  

There are a couple of very distinct times that God has had to literally uproot me and change the path that I was walking on.  It is His perfect love and grace for me that He spared me from myself.  One example is after a traumatic event during the first couple of weeks of college, by the sheer act of God, I ended up transferring to a Christian University.  My years of college were building blocks for my faith.  I became very passionate about my relationship with God and humbled by His grace and forgiveness for me.  Even as I was experiencing the realness of Christ in my life, I was still no stranger to my own sin and pain.  God has faithfully walked beside me in times of deep pain, loneliness, immorality and fear.  
I am deeply humbled and grateful for a God that will never give up on me or anyone.  I long for every woman to know the Truth of who they are in Christ.  That He loves us and pursues us ALL the days of our lives, no matter where we are.  That He is not afraid of the dark places, but instead desires to meet us in those hard places and love us.  There is nothing we can do to ever make Jesus turn from us.  I am overwhelmed with His love which longs to set each of us free.  We are blessed to have a God who loves us and pursues us unconditionally.  It is this love that continues to transform my life.

As far back as I can remember I desired to feel loved, comforted, valued and safe. My young parents let me know as often as they could that I had been conceived during a one night stand. Because of that, I blamed my being born for the dysfunction of our home and the sexual and physical abuse I endured.

 The first time I received unconditional love was when I was nine; a neighbor invited me into her home. It was this neighbor who told me about Jesus. She told me Jesus loved me and that I was precious to him. As I sat and listened to her I can remember having hope. But as soon as walked back into my own home I became discouraged and quickly forgot what my neighbor had shared. I joined the U.S. Army right after high school, but within a year, had become pregnant by my high school boyfriend. After my son was born, I found it difficult to be a single mom in the military so I decided to get out. My desire was to give my son a home I never had. For that matter, my boyfriend and I moved in together but we remained in an on and off relationship. As a result, I began struggling with decisions I had made and felt punished by them. Even though I had a decent job, I wasnt making the money that I needed to raise a son. So, I applied to be a server at a strip club. But, within just a couple weeks, I was stripping.  What I thought Id do for just a few months turned out to be about five years; I danced in several strip clubs from Seattle to Las Vegas. Through stripping, I thought I was going to gain control over my finances, my sexuality, my identity and my life. Instead, it was during those years that I really spiraled out of control. In order to endure my lifestyle, I was drinking and smoking marijuana. And, it was during this same time my relationship with my boyfriend was getting worse. We were horrible to each other and our relationship became very abusive. I stopped stripping when I became pregnant with our second child; and, two years later my boyfriend and I had our third child. Nonetheless, I was deeply depressed. I was overwhelmed with pain from my past, the life I was living and having no hope for my future. As a result, I contemplated ending my life several times and purposely overdosed on anti-depressants. It all came to a head one day when I was suicidal lying on the bathroom floor. In desperation, I began crying out to God, begging him to help me. In my darkest moment, I felt calmness come over me; and, at that very moment, I remembered what my neighbor had told me about Jesus.That next Sunday, I went to church. While sitting there, the pastor asked, If anyone knows they need Jesus, come to the front. I knew he was talking to me; so, I walked down to the front of the church and asked Jesus to come into my life, to forgive me, to help me, to heal me. He did. He does. I feel his presence. I find peace in Him. He takes all of my shame away. He takes all my guilt away. He erases a lifetime of pain and emptiness and replaces it with love, joy and purpose. He has shown me a love like no other, and nothing compares to it.   Today, that boyfriend is now my loving husband. Together, we are becoming the parents God intended us to be. Im far from perfect; still, He loves me anyway! And, He is making something beautiful of my brokenness.  I want women to know that they are loved, they are precious, and they are beautiful beyond comprehension. Jesus cherishes and is longing for a relationship with them. 

 I was abandoned in an orphanage in New Delhi, India and nearly two years later I was adopted by a family in the states. The family that adopted me already had two boys and I was their last addition to the family. In school I was your average girl but always had this need to be busy. I harbored feelings of abandonment and loneliness and my way of medicating the pain was busyness. I often kept myself busy with good things; I was on the cheer squad, in ASB government, a student leader for my local youth ministry, and worked at a fitness gym. However, I still I felt like I had to earn the right to be around, because, in my heart of hearts, I was terrified I would be abandoned again.I remember at the age of 4 is when I figured out what happened... my mother got pregnant, she had me, she left me. I was crushed. Why? Did she want me at all? Was she raped? Did she tell anyone? What about my father? Where was he? Did he know he would never meet me? Does he even know I exist? Why me? Did someone make her leave me? Did she ever come back looking for me? Is she alive? Is he alive? Why does he have a mommy that looks like him? Where is mine? Do you know where to find her? Does she think about me? Do I have brothers? Do I have sisters? Was I even meant to be? My unanswered questions fueled my anger and hurt, but I had no clue how to deal with it. So I swallowed it.I was raised in church and introduced to a relationship with Jesus at a young age, but, as I grew I guarded a part of myself and refused to let anyone in. I kept my hurt to myself. I couldn't bear to give it up. By this time my anger had grown into rage which had grown into pure pain. It made me sick to think about. It made me physically sick and emotionally sick. It was so dark and could have been the death of me if I ever let it out. During that time I desired more of God. I wanted to know more about him and how he loved me. I chose to be ignorant to the fact that my unsurrendered pain could possibly affect other areas of my life. My pain fueled my doubt. I realized if I wanted to know freedom, real freedom I would have to allow God to take all of my pain. I had convinced myself freedom was for other people but not myself. As I have come to the realization that this is not so I have allowed Jesus to take my pain and replace it with healing, and with wholeness that is only available through him. Through him I have the ability to love myself. Through him I have the ability to love other people. I find great gladness in loving Jesus and loving people. Each day I come to realize I am his and his love is unconditional. He will never leave me or abandon me. He is so faithful and true to his daughters.

I grew up in Spanaway, WA in a Christian church for over half my general education. The latter half I attended a public education system that did not give me the academic support and supervision I needed. My mediocre grades meant that unlike most of the students leaving for universities or college, I had no change in career or living arrangements in my life.

After two years of living at home with a single mom and wonderful grandmother, and working retail, I decided I needed to do something with my life. I joined the Army as a Combat Medic.  I wanted to travel the world but instead remained on base at Ft Lewis, WA.  The military was a very stressful chapter in my life due partly to things in and out of my control. I was able to seek the proper support but that still did not fill the void I was experiencing. I was suffocating in issues I kept inside my whole life.  No one knew I was leading a double life by working in the adult entertainment industry. I had my reasons just like every girl does as to why I became a dancer. When my military career ended I continued in the industry. I had been working at local and out of state clubs and it was my only source of income.

A year later, I was talking with a close friend that I had remained in contact with about life and relationships. The conversation we had given me strength and courage to quit. I decided I was going to pack up my locker and never return to the industry. I will never forget the day I packed my things, tears streaming down my face, leaving my friends and only family for the last 3 years. I spent holidays and birthdays working in the clubs and participated in many of the unhealthy addictions that came with the environment.

Four years later, with the help of God, church, professional resources, and books God is using those three years working the clubs to bring hope to others. This experience has helped to cast what I looked at as shadow into light that will shine for Christ.

  My story starts in Waseca, Minnesota. Born to a 20-year-old single mom, I lived with my grandparents and mother for the first two years of my life. When my mom met my dad, there was an instant connection and they married in June of 1985. I was legally adopted by my dad, Jeff, and we moved soon after to Brentwood, California to begin a new life.

 
              My parents renewed their commitment to Jesus soon after we moved, and that was the beginning of my journey to Jesus- being raised in a Christian home. My first memory as a child in church was when I accepted Jesus as my savior at 5 years old, however, I didnt know what Savior meant, nor did I know what it truly meant to ask Jesus to come into my heart. All I knew was that it made my mom so happy she cried about it. From then on, our lives were consumed with church- Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, etc. 

              When I turned 13, everything changed. My parents decided the best decision was to move our family to Montana. I didnt realize it at the time, but I was furious and hurt that they would move me away from my friends and my life in California. I started high school as a goodie two-shoes, and was made fun of and rejected by my peers for the first year of school in Montana. At that point, I figured God wasnt going to get me popular and make me accepted, so I caved. I started partyinghard. Drinking and drugs had become my way of fitting in- and lashing out. The sense of Jesus in my heart faded and my anger with the way my life had turned out, grew. Then, I met Jeremy. I never had met anyone as exciting and intriguing as he was.  He was everything that I had been taught to stay away from, and I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.  After about a year of dating, he started pressuring me about having sex, and me giving him my virginity. I held out for over a year of fights, and finally gave in. He won. He prided himself on taking the most precious thing in my life from me.  And then he broke up with me. 

              I was so broken and depressed. I ended up going to Northwest University in Kirkland, at my parents request (and expense). I hated it and all the Christian people that judged me for my choices. After a while of being in that environment, the hopelessness started to turn into this insatiable longing for a purpose. A reason to think better of myself and of other people.  I wanted to really truly KNOW what it meant when Christians said I have a relationship with Jesus. I had never understood, nor was able to grasp what that would look like in my own life. At that point, a true friend gave me the book, Knowing God Intimately by Joyce Meyer. The book changed my life and I again asked Jesus into my heart, but knew that I was OWNING my faith now. My insatiable longing for a purpose was quenched with an awareness that I was never alone when I felt lonely--that I was always loved when I didnt feel it, and that I now had a responsibility to share my story to help others find Jesus.

My need to reach across the page and speak to your heart paralyzes me. With every thump in my chest that it takes to write this, I know my job is to dig deep for the truth. If you found your way here, you are here for a reason!I was abused as a child and never felt like I fit in as an adolescent. I spent 11 years in the sex industry/strip clubs.  I used to run from the graphic things that happened to me, but I don't anymore. I have an incredible relationship with Jesus that holds me together no matter how big my problems are.
Firsts always stick in my mind. I don't have a great memory but it seems everyone remembers firsts. Casual drug use including LSD, ecstasy, marijuana, and cocaine probably contributed but I also think my need to block out so many uncomfortable situations affects my memory as well.  So I might not remember every inappropriate thing my father ever did to me, however I remember the first like it was a movie.  It was the middle of the day and my mom was at work. He made me lay naked on the bed and kiss him like a "grown-up." He had and erection and made me touch it.  It's not the worst thing a pedophile has ever done to a child nevertheless at that moment a switch was flipped, and I knew he had ruined me. I was little, only 4 1/2. I never told a single person until I was in my 30's and found out my father had spent 10 years in jail for hurting another child sexually. Inside I always new what happened made me different. It didn't make sense when I was young, but as I got older I realized I had been molested. I had textbook feelings of shame and was mostly embarrassed because I didn't want to be "that girl". So I decided early on NEVER to say anything, and I honestly thought I could make it go away by not telling anyone. Besides, it wasn't really that bad, right? If I only knew then that denial doesn't work. Feelings that are buried are always buried ALIVE .Let's recap---lessons learned in my early years--1. Love and attention are connected with sex. 2. People wont accept you if they know the truth about you.
 
My parents divorced and my mom remarried. We lived in a small town and two weeks before my 18th birthday I moved to Tacoma with a friend. I never even looked for a real job after opening the paper and seeing the "Hostess" job offered. I walked into the club a day or so after my birthday and my new career had begun. I was a moth to a flame-no concern for the burn. As a hostess, I would Taxi dance (slow dance) with mostly GI's for $5 a dance or try to get them to buy me expensive drinks and I would sit with them while I drank my fake daiquiri. The money was just enough to lure me into understanding where the real money was.
In the years that followed I won a few local contests then went to Seattle and won a few more. I had earned respect in my industry. I was accepted for the first time. I wasn't different; I wasn't the skinny girl with bad hair and old out dated ugly clothes. People wanted to be my friend and it was pretty awesome, for awhile. Meanwhile, I never told anyone in my family I was abused and I didn't tell anyone I was dancing. I made up awkward lies about fake jobs. I squirmed in my pants every time my mother asked me how my job was (she thought I was a secretary). I hardly ever went home.
I met a man who I would later marry and have my first daughter with. The plan was we would get married and I would quit dancing then I could go to school. Awesome plan! I was so stoked. Then I found out I was pregnant! Oops! I couldnt afford to stop dancing so I figured I could keep going on. I danced till I was 7 1/2 months pregnant. It hurts to think about this because I should have been somewhere else, anywhere else yet I was in a smoky, loud, ugly, dirty strip club giving lap dances.
The end of my marriage came very quickly. I cheated on my husband with someone I met at the club. He found out and persisted in verbally attacking and threatening me for years. He would tell me what a liar I was and my daughter deserved better. It took me many years but I finally realized he was right about the lying and how badly I had hurt him. I was a liar and my daughter did deserve better. Up to this point in my life I lied to everyone one way or the other. You might think this is a pretty low place but, I had to go even lower. I was arrested and my ex-husband threatened to take my daughter away from me. I honestly couldn't believe this was my life. I wasn't raised like this. With not a lot of options and a little money saved, I quit dancing and went to school. Financial Fantasies are another lie of the strip club industry. All of a sudden you are making loads of money, but like a rat on a wheel, you have to spend all the money you make to make yourself feel better about what youre doing.
Everything changed one day. Seven years ago, on my front porch, I met Jesus. I didn't feel like I was in a place to really understand what I was getting myself into I just knew Jesus wanted ME. From that point on I had this desire placed in my heart to understand what it means to be a Christian. I feel so blessed to follow a God who is merciful, forgiving, understanding and in spite of all my history he still wanted me and will always want me. God never wastes a wound; he will always turn it around for good.

 I have led a very blessed and mostly sheltered life.  I grew up in a Pastors Home, and have heard about Jesus and His love for me since I can remember.  Im the youngest of three, growing up in a small town, where people everybody knows everybodys business, which wasnt so great when you were going through hard times and everyone seemed to know.  My family went through difficulties with my older sister rebelling, partying and fighting with my parents and it was during this time that I really started to pray . . . a lot.  It was a really formative time in my life, and I felt a great responsibility and obligation to keep peace, both in my family and in my life outside with school and church.  I always wanted to prove myself, but never felt like I could measure up to others with their excellence in academics and ease with social situations- I often hung out with the cool kids and was friends with a lot of people, but still didnt feel like I belonged anywhere.

          In college I went through one of the first tragic times where what I faced wasnt just connected to what family or friends were dealing with.  I had dated a guy for over a year and we were CRAZY about one another and everyone thought we were some match made in Heaven and we had a lot of fun together, but there was something missing.  I really didnt have peace about our relationship when we started dating, but I ignored that sense of uneasiness because I didnt have one particular reason for it.  Time went on, and it got to the point where we were together, but we had both become unhealthy individuals: co-dependent and drifting from our relationships with Christ.  We broke up and I had hoped that we would get perspective and become stronger together.  What happened instead was total devastation as he walked away from me and back into traps that he had fallen into before we had even met or datedI had become abandoned, betrayed and absolutely broken.  I was not only hurt by him, but I was also angry at God.

I sunk into depression and felt more lost than ever.  I would cry out to God and sense that my voice was just echoing across an empty space.  After months of feeling this way I was confronted by a professor/mentor who said, Youre not the Jana I know.  Somethings missing; youre different.  Youre not the real you.  Her words stung because they were true, but I wanted to uncomfortably laugh it off in my denial.  However, later that same day, I came before Jesus in an aching surrender.  I happened to open my Bible to Psalm 42, which has since become an anthem of my life.  Its the story of a broken person pouring his heart out to a God he had known and had loved but whom he felt SO FAR from.  Its an honest and gut-wrenching confession of doubt, anguish of the soul, and discouragement with the waiting and whys of life.  It doesnt end there, though- it goes on to say that even in this dark, painful state, the writer remembers what God has done and how He has shown His love.  Reading those words gave me permission to let my heart express all my grief, disappointment, frustration, bitterness and fear of hoping, to the God who SEES me- even in the darkest times.   I have been blessed to experience the HOPE of Christ, even when life has seemed impossible to endure.  In reality, I know that I have also been spared so much more heartache by the hand of God- I just dont always see it or understand it that way at the time.  Now, my deepest desire is to give hope to the hurting, the broken, those without family or belonging, the fatherless, those without security and identity in Christbecause we DO matter to Him and He DOES care enough to come to our rescue.   
I want to go after people who might not otherwise hear that in this world of empty pursuits, there is a loving God who is PURSUING YOU and has a beautiful plan for your broken life.

Our deepest desire is to be loved.  Truly and unconditionally loved for who we are faults and all.  We want to know that we are fundamentally okay just the way we are.  That we dont have to be like anyone or conform to some ideal standard.  This was what I longed more than anything.

            I didnt exactly fit in among my peers.  I was the girl with frizzy hair, headgear, and no social skills.  And, yes, I actually had to wear the headgear to school for a period of time.  Really, have you ever known a popular girl who wore a headgear?  I was extremely shy and quiet, not wanting to draw attention to myself.  As a result I was an easy target, often picked on and made fun of.  But I quickly found my niche:  academics.  I found I could be accepted for achieving in school.  I received acknowledgement from my dad, which was easily confused with love, for excelling.  School was the one thing I could do well. 

            This idea that God accepted me as I was just didnt make sense.  No one else seemed to.  The idea that I didnt have to be good at something in order to earn love, just wasnt my reality.  I didnt get it.  I began striving to be the best at everything I did. Perfectionism began to sneak in.  My thinking soon became:  If I can be the best, be perfect, Ill be accepted and loved. 

            This still left me with a lonely and empty feeling.  No one really knew who I was or cared to know  just as long as I continued to do well at my internship, my side job, my schoolwork.  People didnt seem to take notice otherwise.  I was seen as reliable and competent, able to handle things; didnt need help from others.  So what would happen when I didnt do well anymore or worse yet, broke down?  What if they saw how imperfect I was, that I couldnt handle things and needed help?  Would anyone be there?  

            It wasnt until I really began allowing my flaws to be seen that I began experiencing God and his love, that I understood unconditional love and acceptance, agape love.   He blessed me with a wonderful husband  where His love is played out.  Every once in a while I get a glimpse of what Gods love is like in human form.  Through my husbands undeserving forgiveness or a friends grace, Im able to have a tangible experience of Gods love. 

             Im not saying I still dont have a strong streak of perfectionism, or that I never have moments of doubt or insecurity.   I still struggle with believing that God accepts me as I am; its always been difficult for me to grasp.  But I remind myself that I am a process  I will not achieve Christ-like perfection overnight, or ever in this lifetime!  Its something God is continually working on and through with each of us.

I struggled with self esteem issues and depression from an early age, never really seeing that I was of any value.  All I wanted was my knight in shining armor to come rescue me from all of the rejection and uneasiness I faced among my peers and family.  After years of anxiety I finally surrendered to the fear that seemed to surround me.  Panic and sickness would ravage my body on a daily basis.  If only I had known of the power of the Lord at that time in my life, what a difference it would have made.  My parents, desperate to salvage my academic career, moved me across the country.  I was determined to make a new start, to finally be like everyone else and relinquish my freak status.  Leaving the only support I had (my grandparents and aunt) was hard -my already fragile self esteem tanked.  I began cutting myself and became suicidal.   During this time I really began to think a relationship with God was impossible, because God probably wouldn't want to deal with someone as bad as me.  I wondered through high school feeling as depressed and hopeless the darkness and anger seeping further in every day.  I barely graduated high school and decided I had to get out of the house.  I met Ashton and his brother Ray and 3 weeks later moved to Florida with them. I thought I had met my knight in shining armor.  Ashton was everything I wanted, for a few days, then on a dime he changed into my worst nightmare.  I lived with Ashton, Ray and 4 other men in a two bedroom apartment.  Ray sexually abused me, verbally abused me, and threatened my life on a daily basis.  Ashton introduced me to the world of drugs, and I was hooked.  Reality wasnt a necessity when I was high.  As things grew worse, I started fearing for my life I became their prisoner.   I remember one night crying out to God- I had just gotten high and knew I needed his help to get out of this situation.  I said God, I know Im not doing whats right, but Im not strong enough right now.  Show me the truth in this situation.  One night, we were sitting by the pool getting high when a woman came up and sat at our table.  I dont remember much about her, she sat with us until everyone left.  She looked at me and said they are going to get you addicted to drugs; they are going to abuse you, rape you and turn you into a prostitute- go home to your parents!  I didnt know it then, but God had answered my prayer.  We got kicked out of our place, and ended up living in a hotel, things finally came to a head on Halloween night- "Ray" beat "Ashton" pretty badly in our hotel room.   I was able to get "Ray out of the room but Ashton threw me to the ground kicked me and told me I had ruined his life.  Looking at the hate and anger in "Ashtons" eyes, I could see he had no love for me he grabbed my only prized possesion a lime green

 stereo I had saved up for- walked into the bathroom, and threw it into the wall, I heard it break into tiny pieces. I glanced around the room - my reality...blood splattered everywhere; I grabbed my wallet and ran.  

 Its been ten years, It has been a long road to recovery in every way, I have had many struggles.  In the last two years, I have fully been able to recognize and receive Christs love, and restoration.  I still have many struggles and face problems due to the choices I made and the sin that I took part in.  But I have hope, the Lord gives me strength and purpose- for he is my true Knight in Shining Armor.

 For I know what I have planned for you, says the LORD,I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope Jeremiah 29:11

I've lived in the Tacoma area all of my life. Went through the same school district, had the same friends throughout school, lived in the same house, went to the same church (Life Center), had the same attitude, the same family, everything seemed redundant and familiar...except when summer came and my hard working mother sent me off to church camp. It was always an amazing change from the norm. I always made more friends, usually with the other tom-boys like myself. That's all I knew how to be with older brothers influencing me. Anyway, I always felt such a strong presence of the Holy Spirit at the church camps, but of course, summer always came to an end and it was right back to all the same things I was used to.


I grew up with what seemed like a completely normal, exciting, adventurous family. We had a boat, sea doos, a motorhome, my dad even owned and flew private planes. It was awesome being a kid in my family. But hidden behind all the stuff and the posessions, was a broken family I didn't even realize existed. My father owned a business and wasn't home very often to spend time with us, or go to my baseball and soccer games. I didn't actually notice his absence that much since I was such an energetic little girl, always playing sports or with all of my neighborhood friends. Then, in 1995, I almost lost my father in a parachuting accident. He survived, and after several months in the hospital, was home a lot during his recovery. I got used to being daddy's girl, but he was eventually able to go back to work full time. When I was 15, my brothers, who were my best friends, were either just getting out of the military and pursuing their own lives, or just going into the military. I felt kind of lost and alone. If that wasn't enough, my dad, who I didn't know was an alcoholic and gambling addict, left my mother and me. I didn't really know who to blame, but God seemed like the easiest person.


Shortly after that, my mother and I started arguing all the time. When I was 17, still in highschool and working from the time school got out until it was too late to do my homework, I moved out. I couldn't handle my mom anymore. I ended up in an apartment in Hilltop. My dad knew the guy who owned the complex, but I knew no one around there. It was lonely, and might I add, pretty scary, especially at night. I wasn't going to church during this time. I mainly went to school, work, tried to find ways to keep my popularity, and spent time with my boyfriend, who seemed like a great escape from all of life's problems. But there was a huge void filled with sadness, worthlessness, lonliness and negativity. I decided to move back in with my mom. Although I expected the worst, she never let me down. She was there for me when I couldn't even be there for myself. Her strong faith in Jesus Christ let her forgive me for how I had hurt her. She led me back to the Lord. We started going to church regularly again like when I was young. We even went on a mission trip to South Africa. It changed my life. I was completely out of my comfort zone and it allowed me to fall into the only comfort I knew....God. I never would have thought I'd have to go half way around the world to truly be filled again. What I didn't realize though, was that the trip wasn't what I needed. What I needed was to let go of all my pain, doubt, comforts and insecurities. In the darkest of times, God shows up. I can't explain it, but I have faith.


Now, I'm in my early twenties. Loving God more than ever, building upon our relationship. I think back on how my own father wasn't around for me much when I was growing up. It was everything he did that I didn't even know about, the work he put in, the money he made to provide for me and my family, my future he invested in, all of the things unseen that have shaped who I am, and I am grateful for everything my dad has done for me. God, however, is the greatest father imaginable. I will never know all that he has done for me, but he has me completely in his hands. My future is in Him. Through God all things are possible. Through Him, all blessings flow. Ask and you shall receive.

No one is perfect, unfortunately, that is what the devil feeds off of. But through God, I trust that all of our imperfections can become blessings. His unnditional love can heal burdened hearts, mend broken pasts, and pave a new path if you only accept it into your heart.

During my junior year in college I began prostituting myself. I didn’t have a pimp, but I knew someone who knew others and soon I built myself a clientele. It was easy at first. Some of these guys were better looking than the guys I dated; most were nicer. I was addicted to the power. I wasn’t the one who waiting on some guy who wouldn’t love me back. I called the shots, the times and places. It was ironic because when you’re in love with someone, you want the night to last forever. When you are getting paid, you want it to end as soon as possible and you find ways to manipulate the situation in your favor. This became a problem for me. I was good at faking my love for someone. One guy asked me one day if I believe in God. I replied, “They can have my body, but not my soul”. Things got a little out of control as condoms broke, I once fell asleep during sex, and it became increasingly harder to juggle clients, to maintain a party life, college and raise my girls. I couldn’t handle all these aspects of my life; I was an artist who began to have no ambition; love was no longer something to yearn for so what was there?

God had other plans for me. He used a woman to befriend me and teach me who he was. As I learned to receive love from Christians and to lean on his word for guidance in my life, a relationship with God began to emerge. I was compelled to let go of all the things that hindered my relationship with him. God took my hand and walked me through this journey of self-respect, trust, tremendous healing, and courage.

My body was the one thing I felt I could control. This is a lie. We are not in control, but are invited to live by faith in God. Even our bodies belong to God. When I was molested as a child, that boundary was crossed. Someone invaded my purity. Sometimes it’s easier to connect hurt with love because that first sexual connection was masked in disguise as love. Since we are broken we need God to truly understand love. It has taken me many years to create boundaries for myself and to allow myself to spend time with God, to just relish his presence in my life as my father. Men paid for sex, but Jesus paid the ultimate price; he bought my soul when he died on the cross.

 Isaiah 52: 1 – 3

Awake, awake, O Zion, clothe yourself with strength. Put on your garments of splendor, O Jerusalem, the holy city. The uncircumcised and defiled will not enter you again. Shake off your dust; rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive Daughter of Zion. For this is what the Lord says: You were sold for nothing, and without money you will be redeemed.”